The Hermit

When I heard the word hermit, I first thought it was an awful word. A person who is by themselves all the time. A person who has no one to be with or take care of them. I loved being around people. Having a community. A place to call home. People to call family and friends. I never wanted to be alone, and I wished to never be alone.

But now, as I’ve grown older, I’ve started liking the idea of being a hermit. I soon realized how nice it was to be by myself. To do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. How some days, I could just get up and go the movies. Or decide that I’m going to have dinner at Olive Garden. Stay at a bar for as long as I wanted and take my time drinking my drink. Stay at home for long periods of time and not go outside. Not really caring about the time or space I was taking. Allowing myself to enjoy the present moment.

Sometimes, I go into hermit mode when I feel the world is too much for me. When reality hits a little too hard or when the hardship of living gets to be too much or when the challenges become overwhelming, I go into my safe place. My own company. My home. The mothership. It allows me a chance to regroup and lick my wounds while the world goes on without me, and I rest for a bit until I’m ready to come back out again.

And there are times when my hermit mode causes moments of introspection. When I am forced to look in the mirror and see me, see who I’ve become and who I want to be. As I sift through the patterns I have found on my path, the habits I have taken into my care, the people I have allowed into my energy, I start to deep clean and decide what stays and what goes. I start to endure the painful process of breaking and mending, grieving and healing, deconditioning and conditioning. It pushes me to transform over and over again.

Being a hermit showed me who I am when I’m around no one and how to enjoy my own company. It has shown me how much I can enjoy my own company and not be dependent on others. To stand on my own two feet and use them to walk toward what I desire. To see what I need to change in order to go toward my happiness. It is my own hiatus away from the world. It is a time that brings out the softness in me, not the survival in me. And for that, I am proud to say that I am a hermit.